I promised that today would be my "when" and I followed through! I woke up and went straight into the kitchen - for food? No - to clean up dinner dishes and make breakfast for the kids. As breakfast was cooking I mixed myself some Carnation and swigged it! With my breakfast shake I took my daily vitamin ( a new addition to the new me) and my daily dose of Acai Berry and Green Tea energy pills that my sister-in-law showed me! (a note on the side, for those who are LDS, not that it will sway me, but what are your thoughts on Green Tea? Against the WoW? or in the same category as herbal teas?) Still feeling like I could use an energy boost (the idea of exercising for an hour still doesn't appeal to me, I can't even spell the word without spell check - thats how little I used to use the word) I poured myself my third glass of water (still going along with skinniest on this one) and I added this natural energy concoction my dad suggested I try. It worked so well! Not that I want to go on a tangent, and of course my word is just that, my word, but I may try to add this little boost to my daily routine. I didn't even use the entire package (it called for 16oz of water, I only had 12 oz, so I mixed 2/3 of the package) and after I walked the dog I was ready to go! I even felt good enough to clean up the poop after my dog!
I came inside got dressed to exercise (ha - spelled it right that time w/o spell check!) and then did an hours worth of exercise. I walked the entire 2 miles without a break in the middle, and just when I thought I was done, I found myself assuming the position on the floor to begin those firming exercises I swore only days ago to never do in front of a crowd. Well, my legs felt like jelly, but I felt better, and psychologically I am beginning to feel like that little bump on the side of my thighs is beginning to shrink. I know it is absolutely impossible that it is going away this fast, but if I can convince my mind that it is , then I have a reason to continue on with this self torture!
Or could it be those hypnosis CDs I am listening to at night?
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Day 4
Yea - so I took today as a day of rest too. And surprisingly I felt super guilty about it. I figured I would spend the day trying to figure out where my husband and I will go on our 10th anniversary. As I perused through vacation spots such as Hawaii, Lookout Mountain, a cruise to Cozymel, Mexico, a bed and breakfast in Savannah, GA, I realized that I was looking at a lot of places that had sunny beaches and a whole lot of outdoor activities. Things that I usually, almost always, avoid. And I began to wonder, what is this shift in my brain? Why would I even consider such a trip? Why wouldn't I just stay home and send the kids out? Well for lots of reasons: first of all, they are all very far away from where ever my children might be, and, well, let's face it, that in and of itself is a most appealing idea, but also, it will be June, and it will be sunny, and it will be 10 YEARS that I have been married and, and maybe this is the most important reason, it will be 6 months into my transformation and I am planning on having a new body to show off! I am planning to have a body that is reasonably hot and somewhat attractive and I want to give myself a whole lot of new places to show it off, and my husband ample opportunity to use the new gift I am planning on giving him (the new me).
But as I sat all day thinking about all of these most wonderful places and the new body I was going to have, I realized that if I just sat at the computer and dreamed it, it wouldn't happen! My little flasher at the top of this blog was in my head all day: "If not now, When?" As I went to bed I decided when, would be tomorrow!
But as I sat all day thinking about all of these most wonderful places and the new body I was going to have, I realized that if I just sat at the computer and dreamed it, it wouldn't happen! My little flasher at the top of this blog was in my head all day: "If not now, When?" As I went to bed I decided when, would be tomorrow!
Day 3
Today was Sunday - I took it as a day of rest! No exercising, no blogging, no nothin - except drinking lots of water and eating more salad than I even knew existed. May I ask just one simple question, is it possible to turn into a vegetarian dinosaur? According to my youngest son I am way too big to be a bunny, but I am just the right size to be a dinosaur, " A BIG One mom. And one day, when I grow up and eat all my vegetables then I can have a belly that is big like yours right?" Right.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Day Two
No pictures, yet. I am still trying to get up the nerve to actually find the outfit and then put it on. I did workout today, well, I walked until my legs felt like jelly and I was ready to kill someone. As it turned out, I woke up feeling awful. I must have been tired (could it be b/c I haven't slept for the past three nights? Well, what's a girl to do when she has the third book in the Twilight series in her hands, ignore the thing? I think not!) Thankfully, Bryce overslept going to work and stayed in - so he got a full nights rest (minus the mini panic attack at 4:40 AM) and angelically let me sleep. Around 11 AM I woke up to the world and groaned. There just isn't anything pleasing about knowing you must begin your transformation, and it must happen in front of your husband and children. I knew it would be about as fun as giving birth when my husband said, "I have to get a front row seat for this!" Too bad that wasn't his thoughts when our children were being born, but that can be saved for another day...
Super duper excited to jiggle my bowl full of jelly in front of the clan, I suited up: tennis shoes, socks, sports bra, and began. At first I let the introduction play while I hastily swigged a bottle of water (see skinniest, I drink water) and then I took a deep breath and began. Before we all begin to cringe as we think of this big body moving around let me say that I picked the most un-hideous workout I could find. A fast paced 2 mile walk. I figured the worst it could be was a few kicks and hamstring curls. And I was right - that was the worst part, but nothing I couldn't bear. In fact, had it been just me and Leslie (the trainer on the DVD) things would have gone peachy - but no, I was the entertainment and all 5 members of the family: husband, 3 kids, and yes, even the dog - took a seat on the couch to watch the show.
My darling daughter thought that she might like to workout with me. Okay, i thought, this can't be all bad. Look at the influence I am having on my children! Yay me! Good mom award right around the corner. That dream was short lived when after a minute or two she said, "I think this is too hard, i'll just sit and watch you." If I could have spoken I would have agreed - that workout was hard, and I would have loved to have sat out too!
About one mile into the routine my husband felt the need to comment on the way I was actually performing my side steps.
"She said you were supposed to jump and lunge. Come on honey - lunge. Jump. You aren't doing it right. Why aren't you lunging?"
Had I been able to feel my legs, I would have lunged alright. I would have lunged like a lioness about to kill. The jugular. For a moment I thought about that - and what with all the vampire stuff in my head...instead I stared him down and through the panting and burning in my lungs I managed to yell, "Shut up! Leslie says I can do how I want to! Leave the fat girl alone and let her exercise alright?"
Well, that did shut him up and when I was done, trying to redeem himself said, "Congratulations on taking the first 2 miles on your journey to free your skinny girl."
Feeling elated and only slightly dead, I took a big swig of water and let myself enjoy that high feeling you get right before you pass out. My daughter, sweet girl that she is, managed to kill the high when she asked, "Mommy, why didn't you finish your workout and firm? I was saving the front row seat."
As I stared blankly at her, my husband said, "Honey, the only time we are going to see mommy firm is when her skinny girl has been freed. Until then, the firming will happen in secret."
I turned to my dear sweet husband and said, "Consider yourself redeemed."
Super duper excited to jiggle my bowl full of jelly in front of the clan, I suited up: tennis shoes, socks, sports bra, and began. At first I let the introduction play while I hastily swigged a bottle of water (see skinniest, I drink water) and then I took a deep breath and began. Before we all begin to cringe as we think of this big body moving around let me say that I picked the most un-hideous workout I could find. A fast paced 2 mile walk. I figured the worst it could be was a few kicks and hamstring curls. And I was right - that was the worst part, but nothing I couldn't bear. In fact, had it been just me and Leslie (the trainer on the DVD) things would have gone peachy - but no, I was the entertainment and all 5 members of the family: husband, 3 kids, and yes, even the dog - took a seat on the couch to watch the show.
My darling daughter thought that she might like to workout with me. Okay, i thought, this can't be all bad. Look at the influence I am having on my children! Yay me! Good mom award right around the corner. That dream was short lived when after a minute or two she said, "I think this is too hard, i'll just sit and watch you." If I could have spoken I would have agreed - that workout was hard, and I would have loved to have sat out too!
About one mile into the routine my husband felt the need to comment on the way I was actually performing my side steps.
"She said you were supposed to jump and lunge. Come on honey - lunge. Jump. You aren't doing it right. Why aren't you lunging?"
Had I been able to feel my legs, I would have lunged alright. I would have lunged like a lioness about to kill. The jugular. For a moment I thought about that - and what with all the vampire stuff in my head...instead I stared him down and through the panting and burning in my lungs I managed to yell, "Shut up! Leslie says I can do how I want to! Leave the fat girl alone and let her exercise alright?"
Well, that did shut him up and when I was done, trying to redeem himself said, "Congratulations on taking the first 2 miles on your journey to free your skinny girl."
Feeling elated and only slightly dead, I took a big swig of water and let myself enjoy that high feeling you get right before you pass out. My daughter, sweet girl that she is, managed to kill the high when she asked, "Mommy, why didn't you finish your workout and firm? I was saving the front row seat."
As I stared blankly at her, my husband said, "Honey, the only time we are going to see mommy firm is when her skinny girl has been freed. Until then, the firming will happen in secret."
I turned to my dear sweet husband and said, "Consider yourself redeemed."
Friday, December 25, 2009
Day One
Have you ever experienced that moment where your mouth opens up and before you know it, the exact thing you were hoping to keep a secret pops out? If you have answered yes, then you know exactly how I feel. Should you be lucky enough to answer no, well, I can only be envious. Today is Christmas Day in the good year 2009. As I sat at the table eating dinner (Mexican - my fav!) my mouth, which should have been full of enchilada, instead announced out loud that I was starting a new blog. Thanks to to the chaos that is a constant companion when my family gets together my momentary battle with Turrets went unnoticed, or so I thought. As I was preparing to take another bite of food, and thus shove the news back down my throat, I announced that the title of my blog was "Free the Skinny Girl". Being the biggest and the oldest of the four sisters, they all rolled their eyes and continued on; I assume because their skinny girls were already free. Whatever the case, not much else came about after that and I thought I was free. Oh I was so wrong!
My dear sweet sister, the one who has the skinniest of the skinnies, asked me, "Just how do you plan to accomplish this new goal?"
"Well, I, um, am not sure exactly. I am thinking about quitting my Coke habit (the beverage, not the powder)?"
"Yes, well," she said eyeing my cup of juice, "You should only drink water. Just water. Nothing but water. Live and breathe for water. Make water your friend. Worship the water gods, pray daily to the water gods, and then drink more water!"
"So, I should drink water?" I felt like asking. But I have learned from experience that being a smartass around skinniest (as I will call her) isn't always the best idea. So instead I said, "Okay, drink water. Thanks."
"And you should work out, a lot."
"Work out, a lot. Okay. But you know I was kinda planning on just doing some stuff at home you know, to get comfortable with the whole idea, before I, you know, do anything drastic, like buy a gym membership." I was also thinking that I would like to get skinny before I stepped foot in the gym. I do not want to be the fat lady at the gym! I mean, if the gym were full of fatsos like myself then I mean, hey, we would all be fat! I might even be the skinny fat girl, if that makes any sense.
"Wait?! Heck no! I would go out and get yourself a pair of tight biker shorts, a big t-shirt and some tennis shoes and get right up in there. You would be surprised at how much support you will find there. People will be proud of you for actually doing something about your weight!"
As I sat and listened visions of really bad 80s workout outfits flashed through my head and the thoughts were enough to almost make me pass out. "Yes, well, thanks for the advice. I'll consider it."
Not long after, as I was helping my dad clean up the dinner dishes, he brought up the topic again, and this time, commended me on how I was approaching the whole thing. And he gave me more then a few good ideas to mull over. The most appalling of them all - find the tightest fitting jeans I owned, the tightest t-shirt I owned, and then put them on. Not so bad you ask? Ah, but wait, after I attempted to pour myself into these clothes, and overflowed the cup, I was then to allow my husband to take not one, not two, but four pictures of me! And as if attempting this once wasn't enough to make me love being fat, I was to do this little ritual every week, for progress purposes, of course.
And, consider me crazy, but I think I am actually going to do it. So, coming sometime in the very near future, I am going to post my most hideous outfit, (and the body in it) up here for you to see.
And now, you may ask, why am I doing all this? For several reasons and in no particular order they are: I am tired of being the fat girl. I want to buy clothes that are cute. I want to buy lingerie and look sexy in it. I want my husband to be able to lift me up. I want my nephew to never feel the need to ask why my "butt is so big?" I want my children to wrap their arms around me. I want strangers to look and me and think I am sexy. I want to get out of the shower and towel off without lifting up rolls and drying under them. I want to be able to see the areas I am shaving in the shower. I want to be able to wear a swimsuit. I want to show my family that I can get skinny again. I want to show myself that I am beautiful. I want to be thin. I don't want to feel judged when I eat a bowl of ice cream. I want to be able to make love to my husband without feeling like I am crushing him. I want to be happy.
If weight has never been your issue, then you may not understand exactly what I am saying. But I am a firm believer that everyone has an issue. And while this may seem like such a trivial thing, that appearance isn't everything, for me, appearance is something. I do realize that I have a husband who loves me just the way I am, that my children love me, that my sisters and father and mother and extended family all love me, but I want to love me, completely. And that feeling, I believe, is one that every person can relate to! So, as I begin this journey to discover the skinny girl in me, may I challenge you to begin your own journey. Find the "happy" you - and do whatever you can to set that person, the happy you, free!
My dear sweet sister, the one who has the skinniest of the skinnies, asked me, "Just how do you plan to accomplish this new goal?"
"Well, I, um, am not sure exactly. I am thinking about quitting my Coke habit (the beverage, not the powder)?"
"Yes, well," she said eyeing my cup of juice, "You should only drink water. Just water. Nothing but water. Live and breathe for water. Make water your friend. Worship the water gods, pray daily to the water gods, and then drink more water!"
"So, I should drink water?" I felt like asking. But I have learned from experience that being a smartass around skinniest (as I will call her) isn't always the best idea. So instead I said, "Okay, drink water. Thanks."
"And you should work out, a lot."
"Work out, a lot. Okay. But you know I was kinda planning on just doing some stuff at home you know, to get comfortable with the whole idea, before I, you know, do anything drastic, like buy a gym membership." I was also thinking that I would like to get skinny before I stepped foot in the gym. I do not want to be the fat lady at the gym! I mean, if the gym were full of fatsos like myself then I mean, hey, we would all be fat! I might even be the skinny fat girl, if that makes any sense.
"Wait?! Heck no! I would go out and get yourself a pair of tight biker shorts, a big t-shirt and some tennis shoes and get right up in there. You would be surprised at how much support you will find there. People will be proud of you for actually doing something about your weight!"
As I sat and listened visions of really bad 80s workout outfits flashed through my head and the thoughts were enough to almost make me pass out. "Yes, well, thanks for the advice. I'll consider it."
Not long after, as I was helping my dad clean up the dinner dishes, he brought up the topic again, and this time, commended me on how I was approaching the whole thing. And he gave me more then a few good ideas to mull over. The most appalling of them all - find the tightest fitting jeans I owned, the tightest t-shirt I owned, and then put them on. Not so bad you ask? Ah, but wait, after I attempted to pour myself into these clothes, and overflowed the cup, I was then to allow my husband to take not one, not two, but four pictures of me! And as if attempting this once wasn't enough to make me love being fat, I was to do this little ritual every week, for progress purposes, of course.
And, consider me crazy, but I think I am actually going to do it. So, coming sometime in the very near future, I am going to post my most hideous outfit, (and the body in it) up here for you to see.
And now, you may ask, why am I doing all this? For several reasons and in no particular order they are: I am tired of being the fat girl. I want to buy clothes that are cute. I want to buy lingerie and look sexy in it. I want my husband to be able to lift me up. I want my nephew to never feel the need to ask why my "butt is so big?" I want my children to wrap their arms around me. I want strangers to look and me and think I am sexy. I want to get out of the shower and towel off without lifting up rolls and drying under them. I want to be able to see the areas I am shaving in the shower. I want to be able to wear a swimsuit. I want to show my family that I can get skinny again. I want to show myself that I am beautiful. I want to be thin. I don't want to feel judged when I eat a bowl of ice cream. I want to be able to make love to my husband without feeling like I am crushing him. I want to be happy.
If weight has never been your issue, then you may not understand exactly what I am saying. But I am a firm believer that everyone has an issue. And while this may seem like such a trivial thing, that appearance isn't everything, for me, appearance is something. I do realize that I have a husband who loves me just the way I am, that my children love me, that my sisters and father and mother and extended family all love me, but I want to love me, completely. And that feeling, I believe, is one that every person can relate to! So, as I begin this journey to discover the skinny girl in me, may I challenge you to begin your own journey. Find the "happy" you - and do whatever you can to set that person, the happy you, free!
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