Day One

Have you ever experienced that moment where your mouth opens up and before you know it, the exact thing you were hoping to keep a secret pops out? If you have answered yes, then you know exactly how I feel. Should you be lucky enough to answer no, well, I can only be envious. Today is Christmas Day in the good year 2009. As I sat at the table eating dinner (Mexican - my fav!) my mouth, which should have been full of enchilada, instead announced out loud that I was starting a new blog. Thanks to to the chaos that is a constant companion when my family gets together my momentary battle with Turrets went unnoticed, or so I thought. As I was preparing to take another bite of food, and thus shove the news back down my throat, I announced that the title of my blog was "Free the Skinny Girl". Being the biggest and the oldest of the four sisters, they all rolled their eyes and continued on; I assume because their skinny girls were already free. Whatever the case, not much else came about after that and I thought I was free. Oh I was so wrong!

My dear sweet sister, the one who has the skinniest of the skinnies, asked me, "Just how do you plan to accomplish this new goal?"

"Well, I, um, am not sure exactly. I am thinking about quitting my Coke habit (the beverage, not the powder)?"

"Yes, well," she said eyeing my cup of juice, "You should only drink water. Just water. Nothing but water. Live and breathe for water. Make water your friend. Worship the water gods, pray daily to the water gods, and then drink more water!"

"So, I should drink water?" I felt like asking. But I have learned from experience that being a smartass around skinniest (as I will call her) isn't always the best idea. So instead I said, "Okay, drink water. Thanks."

"And you should work out, a lot."

"Work out, a lot. Okay. But you know I was kinda planning on just doing some stuff at home you know, to get comfortable with the whole idea, before I, you know, do anything drastic, like buy a gym membership." I was also thinking that I would like to get skinny before I stepped foot in the gym. I do not want to be the fat lady at the gym! I mean, if the gym were full of fatsos like myself then I mean, hey, we would all be fat! I might even be the skinny fat girl, if that makes any sense.

"Wait?! Heck no! I would go out and get yourself a pair of tight biker shorts, a big t-shirt and some tennis shoes and get right up in there. You would be surprised at how much support you will find there. People will be proud of you for actually doing something about your weight!"

As I sat and listened visions of really bad 80s workout outfits flashed through my head and the thoughts were enough to almost make me pass out. "Yes, well, thanks for the advice. I'll consider it."

Not long after, as I was helping my dad clean up the dinner dishes, he brought up the topic again, and this time, commended me on how I was approaching the whole thing. And he gave me more then a few good ideas to mull over. The most appalling of them all - find the tightest fitting jeans I owned, the tightest t-shirt I owned, and then put them on. Not so bad you ask? Ah, but wait, after I attempted to pour myself into these clothes, and overflowed the cup, I was then to allow my husband to take not one, not two, but four pictures of me! And as if attempting this once wasn't enough to make me love being fat, I was to do this little ritual every week, for progress purposes, of course.

And, consider me crazy, but I think I am actually going to do it. So, coming sometime in the very near future, I am going to post my most hideous outfit, (and the body in it) up here for you to see.

And now, you may ask, why am I doing all this? For several reasons and in no particular order they are: I am tired of being the fat girl. I want to buy clothes that are cute. I want to buy lingerie and look sexy in it. I want my husband to be able to lift me up. I want my nephew to never feel the need to ask why my "butt is so big?" I want my children to wrap their arms around me. I want strangers to look and me and think I am sexy. I want to get out of the shower and towel off without lifting up rolls and drying under them. I want to be able to see the areas I am shaving in the shower. I want to be able to wear a swimsuit. I want to show my family that I can get skinny again. I want to show myself that I am beautiful. I want to be thin. I don't want to feel judged when I eat a bowl of ice cream. I want to be able to make love to my husband without feeling like I am crushing him. I want to be happy.

If weight has never been your issue, then you may not understand exactly what I am saying. But I am a firm believer that everyone has an issue. And while this may seem like such a trivial thing, that appearance isn't everything, for me, appearance is something. I do realize that I have a husband who loves me just the way I am, that my children love me, that my sisters and father and mother and extended family all love me, but I want to love me, completely. And that feeling, I believe, is one that every person can relate to! So, as I begin this journey to discover the skinny girl in me, may I challenge you to begin your own journey. Find the "happy" you - and do whatever you can to set that person, the happy you, free!