Day 37

So - I counted back to the day this all started and I found out that today should be Day 37, roughly! Now - that seems like a lot of time - and it seems that I should be out buying a new pair of pants - but alas, I am not. I am thinking that maybe all my pants were just too small to begin with b/c they actually are fitting now. Hmmmm. Anyways, I don't really chart the weight loss, or the loss of inches, I just write about it and pray that by the end of the year I will be a skinny girl! That being said - I did notice the other day that if I stand and flex what little muscle I have in my abdomen area, I can see the tips of my toes. This my friends is a huge accomplishment! (that means you can clap and be proud of me!) I also thought that you might like to see a video of me on the treadmill (remember when I said I could entertain my son better than Lady Gaga?) I figured if you are still reading this blog and still find it funny it is about time you get a glimpse of what I do: ENJOY!!

And lest you think that this isn't me in the video I have also included a video of my children watching me! I believe the comment, "Mommy this is you when you were a bear," says it all. (At least he used the past tense right?) I apologize for the cut off heads - I couldn't see where the camera was pointing, and I also apologize for the high pitch scream - he does that when he gets excited. I do not apologize for the bluntness. My life and my children are what they are! Have fun!

Day 2wenty Something

I wonder if it should be Day 30 yet? I guess I could take the time to count back to the day this all started and be smart, but I'm just not feeling it at 12:02 AM, which happens to be the only time I found to write today. It seems that whenever I face some kind of personal crisis in my life I always avoid writing in this blog. I think I do this for several reasons:

Reason 1: During a personal crisis I don't work out and so the guilt is strangely overwhelming.

Reason 2: During a personal crisis I am in crisis mode - hence, writing becomes completely and utterly unimportant.

Reason 3: During a personal crisis I only want to gripe/ moan/ complain/ be mad about/ my personal crisis which means that it becomes my only blogging fodder and who wants to read about that?

That being said I have been facing a personal crisis over the past couple of days (no one is dead so it isn't that extreme) but it did/does involve the Federal Government and as such has had me preoccupied. Yes, you can take a moment to read that sentence again....Yep, I said Federal Government. What would you do if I told you I was writing this from prison? Oh my, the giggle that just escaped me felt incredibly delicious, what I would pay to see each and every face just now....no, I am not writing from prison, just my bedroom in my tiny little three bedroom apartment which can sometimes feel like a prison (but that is for another day). Of course, now that I have mentioned the words "federal and government" and the words "personal and crisis" in the same sentence I best explain myself....and yet, I won't. I am okay, and I will be okay, and if you are that deeply concerned, just message me or something. (or continue reading)

No, what I want to write about seems to fall among some heavier themes. Of course, the thoughts that have led to this particular post did stem from my personal crisis (isn't that where all good reflective thoughts stem from?) but whatever the case, I think I will post them out there. You know, for all those,who, well, just for all those.

I wonder, would I appreciate life more if I wasn't so pissed off at it all the time? Would I be okay with things if they weren't always falling apart? Would I hate God so much if I didn't understand His purpose? And how can I appreciate life when it does piss me off? And how can I be okay with things when they are falling apart? And how can I come to love God even when I don't understand his purpose? 

You see, I have had a truly terrible experience, followed by a really great experience, followed by another truly terrible experience, followed by a sweet experience, and they all seem to be interrelated somehow, and I know that somewhere in the midst of all this mess of a life I have accumulated there is a purpose, a reason, a lesson if you will - but for the life all that is good and delicious I just can't seem to come to grips with it all and settle things. May I explain? (Are you saying, yes crazy woman, please do?)

In a nutshell here it is, the last 6 months or so of my life:

Well, it all makes sense if I give a little background so here goes:

Girl graduates HS. Girl goes to college. Girl wants to get married. (?!?!?!?) Girl tries desperately to date but finds no success. Girl meets guy. Girl knows guy for 2 weeks and girl and guy get engaged. Girl and guy are stupid and girl fails out of college. Girl's parents find out and whisk girl away. Girl gets married anyway. Girl and guy have baby. Girl and guy have another baby. Girl and guy have a third baby. Girl and guy fall into hate with each other. Girl and guy treat marriage like crap. Girl and guy say "I quit." Girl says, "I mean, I don't quit." Girl says, "I will make it! I will survive! I will go to school?" Girl goes to school for 2 1/2 years. Girl and guy are still on pretty rocky terms. Girl refuses to drop out of school. One day, girl wakes up and sees that her 3 children are not happy. Girl gets mad at guy. Girl and guy fight, a lot, loudly, and girl says, "I really quit." - that was a summary of the past 10 years....

I called it quits with my husband in September. After 9 years of marriage, 3 kids, and 2 1/2 years of school I up and say, "I quit. I quit it all," except my babies, them I would never call it quits on. I called and withdrew from school on September 30 and moved back to Atlanta with my 3 babies - no degree, no job, no nothing - just me and my three babies. (and my fat girl) After 6 weeks I decided that my marriage wasn't over and my husband left behind both jobs and came to be with us. He got here in November. I decided to look into re-enrolling in an online degree program to finish what I started, but the school didn't offer my program of study so I was SOL. That my friends is the truly terrible experience and the really great experience all in one. Lost my degree - saved my marriage. 

But because my life is a constant up- down- turn around- pat your head while rubbing your belly-and while you are at it hop on one foot- kind of an experience that was not all. It seems that at the turn of the year I was able to reapply and begin the process of finishing my degree only to receive a phone call a few days ago that it might not be possible. (this is where the fed gov't comes in - student loans and some seriously undertrained representatives misguided me in the steps I should take and b/c I followed the advice, I am now, to put it quite bluntly: screwed.)

So 2 nights ago, had you had a secret camera you would have seen me sitting on the floor, surrounded by a million pieces of paper, tears running down my cheeks and my eyes staring blankly into a future that is just as blank. At the beginning of this week, had you asked how things were going I would have said, "Well, things are rough. But we have a plan, a solid plan, and we feel pretty good about the direction we are headed in. So, I have faith that things will work out and I know that God will take care of us - He always has."

Ask me now - go ahead, I dare you....."How are things going you ask? Well, a few days ago I had a plan, a solid plan and I feel pretty good about the direction I was headed in. I had faith that all was going to work out and I knew that God would take care of me - He always did. But today - I don' t know. To be quite honest, I am pissed. Ticked. I hate the world. I hate waking up. And there is nothing in the world right now that annoys me more than Leslie's incessant giggling as she walks. I have eaten more Sour Patch Kids, Swiss Cake Rolls, and Little Debbies Valentines Cake snacks in the past 3 days than I have in the past month! I don't care about skinny girl, in fact, I told her to shut up and leave me alone for a while. I don't care if she is trapped, she has been trapped since I was about 7 months pregnant with Katie and she has dealt with it this long, so she can deal with it a little longer. (Katie is almost 9) I don't understand God - what did I do to make him hate me? And why do I always think that God is the reason my life sucks? Is it because He is easy to blame?"

It is because He is easy to blame. And it is proven history that when we become haughty God will find a way to humble us. He will knock the wind right out of us, He will trip us at the finish line. Or at least, that has always been the case with me. And yet, through it all - He still finds a way to tell me He loves me - which frankly makes me want to hate Him. You know what I mean - it is the whole parent child thing....child wants, parent denys, child hates parent but really hates that parent was right.

Today I received a tender mercy from the Lord. An old friend, someone I have known since from forever, sent me a message. She shared with me a memory she had that involved me. (and she was right, had she told me at the time I might not have appreciated it as much) But as I read through that sweet message I realized that someone up there does love me. I took a step back and looked at the big picture. If I never finish my degree, does it matter? If I never free my skinny girl, does it matter? If I never buy a house b/c of the wrong advice I got, does it matter? If I never do more with my life than wash clothes, clean dishes, cook meals, and scrub toilets, does it matter? No - none of it truly matters. None of it truly matters so long as I can hug my children every day, make them smile, let them know they are the world to me, kiss my husband, spend time with my Father in Heaven, and build an eternal relationship with the ones who matter. 

I gave a lesson a few weeks ago and the truth of it is only now starting to resonate within my own soul. I am special, I am worth something, I am a daughter of God. If religion just "isn't your thing" if you feel like church is "just a waste of time" "not for you" or "full of hypocrites" then so be it. For me, church is more than the people, or the time. I know that God lives. Do I have a perfect knowledge of all that He wants me to know? No. Do I have a perfect knowledge that I am His daughter? Yes.

And so - if it be His will to test me in the way He chooses, so be it. The old adage states, "God never shuts a door without opening a window." Well, there are a lot of doors shutting for me - but I know that in a little while, the sun will come streaming in and the window will be there. 

And because I feel like she should know: Mom, I love you. 

"A crisis allows us the opportunity to dig deep into the reservoirs of our very being, to rise to levels of confidence, strength, and resolve that otherwise we didn't think we possessed. Through adversity, we come face to face with who we really are and what really counts."
-- Jon Huntsman, self-made American billionaire, author of Winners Never Cheat 

Day 24

Midnight of Day 23: decide that I will get up and take the kids to school and go workout!!

6:30 AM: Wake up and decide that I was not in my right mind at midnight - but I get dressed anyway

7:27 AM: Drop off oldest two at school and figure since I am awake I might as well workout - Treadmill here I come

7:47 AM: Arrive at home and take the dog for a 20 minute walk around the entire apartment complex, just to warm up my muscles. I live on the top floor of the building so at the end of the walk - I run the stairs.

7:50 AM: Drive over to the gym and remember there is no bathroom - I have to go so I drive back home. Also realize I have no water - so I decided it is worth it to head back home. I run the stairs again. 

8:20 AM: The toilet clogs (this happens about every 2 days) so I go and grab the plunger. I also discover that my son is awake and laying with dad. I decide to let husband sleep and pack up breakfast for my son. We walk out the door. After we get down 1/2 the flight of stairs I remember the lack of bathroom and that my son hasn't gone yet. Run back up the stairs and let son into the house to go pee. Head back out the door and down the stairs to the car.

8:57 AM: Walk into the gym and turn on the TV - hoping to find Dora, as was promised as a reward for behaving while mommy worked out. The only channel available was VH1....consider leaving, but I really want some time on the treadmill so I stay and plan to entertain my son myself (have you ever actually watched me workout - your stomach would get a great workout from all the laughing you would be doing!)

9:03 AM: Walk over to the treadmill only to be greeted by a sign that says: "OUT OF ORDER"

9:04 AM: Still standing blankly at the sign I turn to see Lady Gaga naked in her video and my son totally and completely inthralled....decide this is so not happening this morning and get back in the van (after I do some leg crunches that slightly resemble the ones I saw Bob on Biggest Loser make one of the contestants do. I also do some of those push-up thingys with that machine you sit on that feels like a bicycle but brings you no comfort?)

9:07 AM: Remember that my dad has a key to Anytime fitness - call him - he has a key, with him, at work....so I call mom but she doesn't answer

9:10 AM: Run back up the stairs and let me and my son into the house. I decide it is me and Leslie and a brisk 2 mile walk.

9:15 AM: Start the workout with Leslie and realize that my calves and hamstrings are burning and it is only the warm-up..

9:30 AM: Called it quits at a mile and fast forwarded the DVD so I could stretch. 

9:45 AM: Jump in the shower and wash out all the sweat and grime of the morning. Come to grips with the fact that I won't have a treadmill for a while, cry about it a little bit, and then say screw it - I'll just walk the dog like 3 times a day and at a really fast pace!

10:46 AM: Sit and type this entry and try to come to grips with the fact that today is picture day and sometime before midnight I have to post my 3rd installment of photos - ugh!!

Day 22

I woke up and took the kids to school today. It was the first time in a long time that I actually got out of bed before 10 or 11 AM. Don't hate - you would if you could....:) When I got home I thought about going back to bed for like 2 seconds but I had a messy house and company coming so sleep was out of the question. I was exhausted and in no mood to clean anything - so I pushed all the junk in the living room to the side and I plugged in a Leslie DVD. After not working out for a week I decided to take it easy and just give it my all on a one mile walk. And give it my all I did. I made it through the workout, but in the last 2 minute stretch, literally, all that walking kick started my digestive track and I was suddenly able to clear out all the yuck I had been keeping in. (haha - I was hoping I might be able to reference that one day in a blog post!!)

After I felt sufficiently cleaned out, I realized that I had tonsa energy and I went to town cleaning up. I got all the cleaning done and was able to jam to some tunes!! All this was accomplished without an audience. I figured out that if I stealthy sneak into the house and let the dog out before he gets excited I can keep the house quite and actually enjoy my time!! 

As I am typing this it is actually Day 23 (gasp) and I haven't worked out today. It is 10:30 at night and you know what? I am going to head to the gym. Yes, you heard right - I am going to go take a walk down to the gym and get in a workout before bed. Call me crazy - because I am - but something about watching Biggest Loser and seeing Jillian and seriously considering applying to be on the show makes me want to not have to be on the show - I just don't want to meet Jillian that way. So forgive me for keeping this post short, and without a whole lot of humor - but I have got some serious fat to lose!! 

“Successful people aren't born that way. They become successful by establishing the habit of doing things unsuccessful people don't like to do. The successful people don't always like these things themselves; they just get on and do them.”

Day 21

I am sad to say that my week of waiting is over. I have finished my meds, my cough is almost gone, and the excuses have run out. Tomorrow it is back to the TV - and the 2 mile walks with Leslie. In order to prepare my mind for the beating that is to come (there is no way to prepare fat girl - if she had her way this blog would be titled "Ways to Trap Your Skinny Girl and Be Okay With It") I played with my niece, nephew, and kids. 

I was able to spend some time with my niece and nephew today. In fact, I actually spend quite a lot of time with them, and so today I thought about how I could entertain them until their dad got home. I knew I had at least an hour, maybe two, and it was nice outside - so we decided to go to the park! Let me tell you - we went to the park and then some....

After everyone got their coat on we headed out on our adventure. First we had to climb down Mount Everest - b/c I live at the top. Then we had to ski on over to the light post (think Narnia). From there we had to hop, skip, and jump down to the big green box (dum dum dum). Standing by the big green box wasn't very safe so we quickly jumped as far as we could, but we landed in the black tar, which, consequently, wasn't very safe either. We had to march - Leslie style - down the hill where we came across a forgotten path. It goes without saying that when you find forgotten paths, they must be explored. We discovered that this particular forgotten path had only been forgotten by the humans - the evidence that a wild pack of animals had in fact not forgotten the path was everywhere. Being super careful where we stepped, we found that the forgotten path took us through the woods and we ended up at the top of another mountain. This time we just ran down it! WEEEEEEEEEEEE - when we all got to the bottom of the mountain we noticed a sewer monster lurking - we booked it over to his secret lair and jumped on the cover - we stomped it down so tight that now nothing can escape! We skipped and flew over to the great iron rod that led us to the playground. Of course - we couldn't see the destination without using our pirate telescopes!! 

We finally made it to the land of treasures - only to behold that it had previously been invaded. We didn't let that stop us though - we just ran screaming towards the land and before we knew it - we had the treasured playground all to ourselves. We played for a good 40 minutes and then we decided that we would take another adventure. 

This time we became a marching band! I, of course, was the band leader. I had a flutist, a drummer, a guitar player, a trumpeter, Bryce and my nephew. We marched from the playground all the way up to the mailboxes!!! When we arrived at the mailboxes we stopped for a little marching band rehearsal. It is obvious that if we are to try and become a marching band, we will need to practice daily! We decided to abandon the instruments and just march. We crossed the street at the mailboxes and proceeded up the sidewalk. First - we were animals. I had lions and cats, and Bryce and my nephew. As we crept along we evolved from members of the feline family to famous Olympians!! We were runners, skippers, jumpers, hoppers, screamers, and Leslie-wannabes. When we crossed the finish line we found that we had run all the way to Africa!! Yes folks, today I walked to Africa - take that fat girl!!! 

When in Africa - one, of course, must go on a safari! After we got dressed and armed ourselves with the latest weaponry - including bubble guns and slingshots - we began the hunt. It wasn't long before we found the great big monster that was lurking in the shadows of the jungle - yes, Africa has jungles. The only way to capture and tame the monster was to bubble it! And that is exactly what we did!! The bubble monster was tamed and before we knew it we had another member in our crew. We saw lions and a giraffe, which Matthew thought was amazing - until it secretly snuck up behind him and licked his cheek!!! Have you seen a giraffes tongue? Running so that we wouldn't all get licked by the giraffe we realized too late that our path was blocked by a ginormous pool of quicksand. Bryce was the one that found it - and we were able to save him - but I am sure the scene resembled something like the scene in Princess Bride. We all dove in the sand to save him - apparently he means a lot to all of us! 

After we navigated the quick sand, my skinny girl was feeling pretty proud of herself. Usually I just shout commands and watch from the sidelines, but this time I was the ringleader and right in the middle of all the action. I am sure that as the other tenants of the complex came home form work they got quite a giggle out of watching this fat girl wrestle to free the skinny girl, while at the same time entertain 5 kids under the age of 8! We laughed and had so much fun and at the end of night - we attended an opera and the circus. When all was said and done, we donned our most royal and regal outfits and - waving our hands in the air at all of our adoring subjects - we retired back to the castle for pizza - and salad!! 

Yay for you skinny girl - you convinced fat girl to get off her duff and do something today. You took charge and taught fat girl a lesson -  there is never any fun to be had on the sidelines!!  Now - go and reward yourself with one of those lemon flavored whipped yogurts you love so much!! NOT  - ice cream sundae here I come!! 

"Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath!"

-Richard Zera

Days 19 and 20

You will have to forgive me: since I haven't been exercising I have not only forgotten how to spell the word, but I have spent a lot of time in multiple doctors offices. Now I do not think that the fact that I am not exercising has anything to do with the fact that I have been in several offices, and maybe I am just one of those people who goes to the doctor too often any way - but let me just share with you some of my frustrations this past week (since of course, I have nothing else to write about.) And may I also warn you: this will be mostly griping and complaining in my usual sarcastic manner so be advised: Continue at your own risk. 

As we know from previous posts I have been sick this week with pneumonia. I went to the doctor, got the medicine, and was able to come home. Consequently I am now feeling much better, okay maybe not much, but better and am on my way to recovering. Well - my littlest guy - the one pictured above... has had a much much rougher week - and as a momma bear I am so on the rampage and ready to lash out at the next medical person I see, but lest you think me unrational - let me explain. 

The day after I went to the hospital I took all three of my kids to the pediatrician  - ear problems. Said littlest one had a blockage in his ear tube. He was referred to the ENT for later in the week. He was also extremely congested in his nose. We decided to consult the ENT about that little problem as well. We went home and went about our business. That night our troubles began....It was Tuesday night, I was not sleeping because I was coughing every 3 minutes, the syrup they gave me made me feel super gittery and I paced the floor Monday night for 5 hours after the second dose. I hear my little man cough and then he began to cry. He was congested, feverish, and generally miserable. I figured that if I was awake I might as well hold him so he could sleep and so that is what I did. Running a low grade fever, we both lay on the couch, he sleeping mostly, me sleeping not at all. 

Wednesday morning rolls around and I call to make an appt with the ENT the pediatrician recommended. The lady on the other end of the phone seemed super excited to be talking to me. I explained to her that I had 3 children who needed to be seen as soon as possible. The reasons to be seen included, but were not limited to, a bulging ear drum, a blocked tube, possible fluid in the ear, and severe sinus congestion. The soonest she could get me in (after going through all 4 doctor's schedules) was Feb 23. FEB 23?!?! Did she not hear the issues my children were having. Well, being a good mom, I told her I would take the appt (and secretly was going to find another ENT) and she proceeded to tell me that I would have to choose which child was seen that day - the others would have to wait until March and April. Are you kidding me? I told her I thought she was ridiculous, and that I would leave that Feb appt open, I would never use her office, and I would suggest to my ped. that they never recommend that doctor again. Then I called the peds office and requested another ENT. I called them and they got all of my kids an appt on Fri.   

Wednesday night was the same as Tuesday - fever, coughing, severe congestion, and no sleep. 

Thursday day was alright. Feverish, not bad. Congestion as always, but a nap - so that was good. 

Thursday night we ended up in the ER. Fever spiked to 102 and I was tired of not sleeping. I figured by now he had at the very least a sinus infection, but he was miserable and I thought it was a good option. Now before I proceed may I just say that my blood is still boiling and my poor computer keys are going to get a beating...

I took my little guy into the ER - we also took his security blanket. I promised him that all they would do would be to weigh him, take his temp, and then use the fairy light. (to check his oxygen saturation) They did weigh him, and we avoided an emotional breakdown. Then he got called into triage. The nurse immediately strips his blanket off of him - and the trauma began. Who was this awful woman? I hated her already. She pulls out the fairy light and tells him not to be afraid - it was just a really big bandaid - my son is terrified of bandaids. I almost had him calmed him down, and she needed his temp. She proceeds to inform me that she was going to take it rectally. My son is 4 1/2 - I told her it was out of the question - we were going to do it another way - under the arm perhaps. She told me the only type of thermometer she had was a rectal and that was the only way to take it. I argued with the woman for 5 mintues. She then proceeded to tell me that if I wouldn't help her, she would bring in another nurse. Calling upon all my voodoo powers, I killed her in my brain, called upon the shadow man to rain down evil upon her head forever, and let her take the temp. When she was done - I told my baby that he could be mad at the mean evil nurse, because I certainly was. I told him I hated her and thought she was stupid and I also gave him permission to say those things about her too. She was washing her hands the whole time. She then said, "Well he was too upset to take it under his tongue, otherwise we could have done it that way." I swear - she was Satan, what kind of sadistic woman does that!?!? I told her, "Well, if I was coming at your a** with a lubed up probe wouldn't you be freaked out too?" If I had gotten her name, she would be forever endured to the voodoo doll I would have made of her. * I am going to pause now and bring down my blood pressure - please hold *

We were shown into the back where the doctor proceeded to examine everything except my sons nose - my main complaint. After 3 hours and 2 xrays (??) we were told he didn't have pneumonia and he was going to be discharged with an unexplained fever. I stared at the Doctor and said, "Could he have a sinus infection? I mean, you never did look in his nose." My friends, this is the answer the ER doctor gave me, "Well, you know. I can't be sure. I don't know. You said he was going to the ENT tomorrow, thats good. He would be a much better judge of that than me. I can't be sure if his [fever and thick green mucus] are the cause of a sinus infection - I can't determine that." Please tell me you are in shock. Of all things, he couldn't diagnose a sinus infection? God forbid a real emergency were to happen while he were on call...again, voodoo doll. anyone?!?

Friday we go to the ENT. Little ones ear was plugged, they tried to vacuum out the wax (this is common practice) and couldn't proceed b/c it was so impacted. He screamed and cried and again, I was holding my son down for yet another medical procedure. The whole time they were trying with his ear he was screaming, "I'll be good! I'll be good!" Yes, thank you satanic nurse who probed my sons rectum - may you receive all that you give out....

His ear wax is as sticky and thick as peanut butter - so it was a no go on the vacuum. I asked the PA to take a look at his sinuses. She did and she proceeded to tell me that the color looked clear - and he was fine. And then she said, "If he starts to run a fever then he should have antibiotics." Are you joking me? "He does have a fever, he has been running a fever of 102 for 3 days," I said. "Oh, well, still, he looks fine to me."

I left the office without any medicine. 

Friends, as I sit and type this my little man is laying miserably on the couch. Security blanket in hand, and terrified anytime I try to give him Tylenol, or help him blow his nose, or try to treat him in any way. I hate that nurse. I hate that ER doctor. And I hate that ENT PA. And if there is/was/maybe such as thing as karma, may it be a b**** and pass along all things that are due. 

Days 17 and 18

My friends - while I have been on a hiatus I have spent an undisclosed (and probably unhealthy) amount of time with my dear friend Jillian Michaels. I spend hours upon hours a day reading everything I can about her - checking out all the pictures on her FB account (I became her fan and as such am now one of her most closest friends, yea me and the other 184, 565 people). I now know that she has 2 dogs, the love of her life is a little black dog, who is super cute, named 7 (still not sure how that name came to be) and Harley (who is the cutest rag-a-muffin pup I have ever seen) she also loves horses and has a beautiful black horse named Buzz. As I was going through her photo albums (I sound like a stalker don't I?) I came across some of these photos...Now imagine me looking like this every Sunday.....

Yep - All the Sisters in the Ward would hate me.....And what if I could look this good in a Walmart Uniform...Jillian Style of course.....

And, to top it all off, what if I ran around town looking this good in my sweaty workout clothes?

Yes - imagine that! I asked my husband to do that and he immediately said I should get up and get working. I have been thinking about this - and I am determined - and it may take the rest of my life = but I am determined to meet this woman. And no - I don't want to do it as a big fatso. I want to meet this woman and say - hey - I worked out with you every day in my living room. You kicked my butt and I just want to say thanks!! So - call me crazy, but I am about to amass almost everything "Jillian" I can get my hands on. Now some of you may be thinking that I will just be one of the many contributors to her (I am sure massive) amounts of wealth - but who cares? This is the woman that inspires me. Did you know she used to be - dare I say the word - fat!!?? I am not kidding. She isn't shy about telling people that she "struggled with her weight" in her youth (yes - I am 28 - still struggling with the weight, and I am youthful....) and it wasn't until she joined a Martial Arts class that she learned the power of positive thinking and was able to change her attitude.  The article that I found states:

"Even though she is now one of the leading personal trainers in the industry, Jillian struggled with her weight and appearance throughout most of her youth. After being introduced to the martial arts, Jillian finally found the motivation to transform her appearance. She studied Muay Thai and Akarui-Do, in which she eventually earned a black belt. One of the most important lessons her instructor ever taught her was to reverse her negative thinking." - http://www.fitsugar.com/672082

Why do I write all this? Well one, because I needed to write something today, and two, this is where my motivation comes from. While I am terrified at this point to try and plug in one of her DVDS just yet (I want to be able to walk the 2 miles with Leslie without passing out first) I am determined to let Jillian kick my butt! And I am determined to walk away from said butt-kicking. 

A few thoughts from Jillian herself:

"The past does not define you, the present does." 

"Unless You Puke, Faint or Die, Keep Going!" 

"I am doing the best I can given what I have today." 

"A bad day for your ego is a great day for your soul." 

and my personal favorite:

"Sometimes people will hear you and be able to change their behavior, but often their behavior has more to do with their own need for approval than with your need for support. No matter what their response, you need to be firm and hold your ground. At the end of the day, your health is your responsibility." 

So there!

Days 14 until today, which I believe, is Day 16?

Does anyone realize that I skipped over the monumental 2 week mark? Oh, you did? Well, good for you. Remember the post before this one, no, not the picture post, but the word post? Yes, now that you have scrolled down to remind yourself... I said that I hadn't been working out and that I  had spent more time with the back of my eyelids than I had with Leslie - turns out I had/have pneumonia and doctor's orders are to take it easy for a week or so....I must say he was either very surprised that I was the exercising type or my lung must have been pretty bad b/c when I asked him if I could still workout his eyeballs did that cartoon bulge and he said (in a very throaty sexy Southern accent) "Um, no. I would take about a week and let your lung heal. It isn't a good idea to try and work it so hard when it is all red, and inflamed, and...." I must say, after I heard the word "week" I drifted into a happy oblivion and just nodded my head. But, not wanting to disappoint my readers, and to possibly give you something to laugh about, I must tell the story about how I came to find out I had said pneumonia. 

Okay, so being quite poor, and by "quite" I mean, straight up I ain't kidding, we ain't got NO money poor, we are currently the grateful beneficiaries of the State's medical benefits. (for all those who still don't get it - we use Medicaid). Being new to Medicaid, and not wanting to cause problems on my first date of service, I called the 800 number to inquire just which doctor I should use. To cut some of the story I was told to just go to the ER. Now, growing up the ER was always a place for emergencies - you know, car accidents that threaten life, fingers that seem to be gushing blood b/c of a pairing knife incident, the inability to breathe, the unexplained passing out incident followed by a slight seizing motion , (yes, I have been/visited the ER for all these reasons) but not because of a chest cold. So I felt a little silly when I walked in, no broken bones, no blood, no neurological issues, and said, "I need to see a Dr." The nurse looked me up in the system, and then handed me a package. Seriously - I got a package containing my own personal hand sanitizer, package of tissue, and a nice yellow mask. "This isn't for you," she said, "Its for my safety - please put it on before you step into the triage area."

Okayyyyy, I thought. It seems the hospital is now taking new measures to make sure germs aren't spread....not only did I get my own personal quarantine package, but I got to keep the blood pressure cuff. YES! Just what I wanted! A Blood Pressure Cuff! When I got in the room I was instructed to remove everything from the waist up: "Including your bra, please, and any necklaces." 

So I did - I removed it all and put on my hospital gown - which, sadly I did not get to keep. But for arguments sake, wouldn't giving me my own gown to take home also help with the spread of germs??? If I had my choice I would much rather take the gown home, than the quarantine package, but it was nice to be able to cough without worrying about covering my mouth in time. 

Well - I waited, and I waited, and I waited. Finally, Dr. Dreamy walked in and as soon as I heard him say, "Hi. My name is Rymon Wilborn. I'll be your Dr. What exactly is going on today?" in the most attractive, most deep Southern accent, I was hooked. That man could have asked me to do pretty much anything: hop on one foot, touch your toes, pat your head while rubbing your belly, step on a scale.....and I probably would have done it. After he listened to my chest and had me breathe all kinds of funny ways, in out slow, in out fast, in out slow and then fast, in fast and out slow, he proposed an X-ray. I believe his exact words were something along the lines of, "I just don't want to miss anything here." I concurred and then waited. 

The next knock on the door wasn't exactly who I thought it would be. Was it the X-Ray Tech? No - it was the nurse who gave me my package - "We need to move you to another room, we have a critical patient who is requiring this space." Well, the way she worded it I wanted to retort back that I was a patient to, and I "required the space" but the look on her face and her use of the word "critical" made me think that my smart alec comments were best kept to myself. So where did they move me? Oh nowhere - other than the room they use for crying hysterical family members of critical patients. Now - at this point of the story, nothing would please me more than to inform you that said crying hysterical members of the critical patient who stole my room were in the room with me, but sadly it was only me and Dora. Which reminds me, I never did find out whose b-day it was on that episode - great, now I have to youtube it!

After waiting for what seemed like forever, a different nurse came to get me so that I could have my x-ray done. I was placed in the broom closet next to the nurses station and sat for I don't know how long - the broom closet didn't have a clock - but it was a broom closet so a clock wouldn't have been necessary - and waited. 

I got bored, so I opened the door and began to listen to the nurses. Ever seen ER, ever heard of ER, a weekly soap opera, um, medical drama, that revolved more around the personal lives of the doctors than the actual patients, and by personal lives I mean, sex lives - ringing a bell??? Yes, I suddenly thought about all those patients for all those seasons....what must it have felt like to be waiting for a DR only to know they were out at the desk, trying to get a date and/or hook-up. I knew what it felt like - how do I know - b/c I was waiting for an X-ray and subsequently a discharge, while I watched this male nurse saunter over to the desk, chest puffed out, strutting like a peacock, and just as I suspected there was a little nurse, who jumped out of her seat and ran to hug him, exclaiming, "Where have you been its been so long since I've seen you!" Then she sat at the desk and assumed the "engaged" position - played with her hair and face, while he assumed the "attack" position and spoke of stupid things all the while stroking his own face and hair. UGH! I was disgusted - it was so obvious what they were both thinking, body language says it all, at that moment I wanted nothing more than to be Carrie, walking through the ER causing fear in the hearts of the staff. 

I sat and watched those 2 nurses, while I waited for my X-ray, and thought up a scene nice enough to be played on any medical drama today!

To make this post longer I could describe it to you, but I am sorry to say your own imagination will have to suffice. I did get the X-ray, I did get discharged, and I got my own personal blood pressure cuff and quarantine package (but no gown). 

As for the rest of the week, well, I am on a hiatus as far as skinny girl goes. I did get some good news though - I might just be able to finish up my degree online after all. 

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

Bill Cosby

Pictures from Week 2

So before taking these pictures my husband made a comment that he found my breasts (its always my breasts) attractive in this shirt. I just giggled like a fat girl in puberty being hit on by the Captain of the Football team. There may have been a reference that we should head to bed when the pictures were done loading. Yea - after loading these pictures - the libido in the room was sucked out like a soldier parachuting from a plane. We watched a movie instead. 

Day 13

What happened to days 10-12? Honestly I couldn't tell you. This week has been a yucky week. I don't know if it is the weather, my mood, my thyroid, or my obvious disdain for exercise - but mostly I have been staring at the back of my eyelids. Don't you worry - while the guilt of not writing hasn't been enough to drive me crazy - my husband's constant reminders that I haven't seen Leslie or spoken to you have not gone unnoticed - and of course, the little note of encouragement from my dad. 

Can I just say that while I wasn't writing to you, whoever you are, I was thinking about you constantly and I was thinking about all the funny things I would say to you when I got back. Things like: My fat girl took over this week, or, Skinny girl was exhausted, or there wasn't enough ice cream to motivate me, or, it was raining, or my toilets are too dirty, or, all my workout clothes are dirty and I refuse to exercise naked! But of course, by the time I got on here, the humor was gone and a bit of a serious tone set in. So may I, just indulge myself for a minute and share a few thoughts I have had, as I have laid on my couch for the past three days, sleeping and dreaming of the good old days, when I didn't worry about weight, and a Diet Coke seemed to be a more than sufficient lunch!

In the end, does it matter? Does it really honestly matter in the end? Sure, we all want to look perfect, but is the outside all that we should care about? No you say - no I say (see day 1) but it does make a difference.  And yet - this week it hasn't mattered. You see, the people I love dearly, the people I love most in the world, the women that I surrounded myself with growing up, the girls I shared secret giggles with, the ones that I share my most treasured memories with, well, they don't love one another any more. Somehow, the world, for lack of a better word, has seeped into the cracks of each relationship and let its poison sink in. Since moving into my new apartment in Nov I have refused to order cable (mainly b/c it is a bill I can't afford, but stay with me on this) and I have actually grown to like it. I don't have to pay to here how bad it is out there. I can sit in my home, laugh and giggle with my kids and husband, play games and bake cookies and hang out in complete and utter bliss. Until, I decide to lift my head and take a look around. I see the three women I love, hurting. For whatever reason (and I do know the situation, I am not completely oblivious) things went wrong. And now, although I am not directly involved, I hurt too. 

Why do I say all this? B/c maybe, just maybe, it is the secret reason, the real reason, I haven't been working on me. B/c maybe right now, skinny girl has to take a back seat, and let fat girl, the Nikki now, the one who exists in the fat cage too, be a sister. 

I love my sisters. They are my family; and while we can all sit and think about how we would love to improve ourselves and make ourselves happy - I find that to be utterly impossible unless the people we love are happy. Say what you want about not needing others to be happy, but it seems to me that a lot of people in the world are unhappy - if you think I am wrong, just take a few minutes and sit in your car the next time you are at the grocery store. Just take a few minutes to look at the faces of the people walking by - how many have an air of happiness around them? How many of them look beat up, down trodden, tired, worn out, pissed off, sad, lonely, frustrated? What do you look like? 

This week I haven't been happy - maybe b/c I feel the pain of my sisters. Or maybe it is just a thyroid problem or the lack of ice cream in the freezer to motivate me. Whatever the case may be, I hope to overcome the last couple of days. Not overcome them in such a way that  I can tune out the problems around me, no. Overcome them in such a way that I can find a way to take care of my sisters and my skinny girl. Even if ice cream is involved, especially if ice cream is involved. 

May I just tell skinniest: I love you. I look up to you. I want nothing in the world than for you to be happy. It hurts me to see you sit on my couch and cry. Can I just hug you and make it all better? Are the days of a popsicle solving all our problems so far gone?

May I tell skinnier: I miss you. It has been way too long since I saw you last. It makes me sad that you are sad. Christmas wasn't the same. Daily conversations aren't the same. I hope you are happy - I hope that you know I miss you and love you. 

May I tell skinny: Sometimes life sucks. But there is always tomorrow. Sometimes the best cure is a good nights rest. And if sleep can't or won't come: Then look out the window - think of all the millions and billions and trillions of stars that are floating around in the sky and think about little old you. Think about how tiny you are in comparison, and then think of your Father in Heaven, who can pick you out amongst all there is. He knows you, he also knows skinniest and skinnier, and he even knows fat girl. Look around and see that He knows each and everyone, and He knows - He knows. 

Please do not take this entry as an "I'm giving up until my family life is fixed." God knows, if that were the case skinny girl wouldn't be freed until I died, and only then is a wish (love you fam) but it was part of the reason Days 10-12 weren't up. Don't you worry, I just got off the phone with Leslie, she is expecting me in the morning and she says if I don't show up she is gonna call Jillian from Biggest Loser - and I just don't think I can handle her right now! 

Ending thought: If you're going through hell, keep going.  ~Winston Churchill

and b/c today's thoughts deserve another:

That was rough.... Thing to do now is try and forget it.... I guess I don't quite mean that.  It's not a thing you can forget.  Maybe not even a thing you want to forget.... Life's like that sometimes... Now and then for no good reason a man can figure out, life will just haul off and knock him flat, slam him agin' the ground so hard it seems like all his insides is busted.  But it's not all like that.  A lot of it's mighty fine, and you can't afford to waste the good part frettin' about the bad.  That makes it all bad.... Sure, I know - sayin' it's one thing and feelin' it's another.  But I'll tell you a trick that's sometimes a big help.  When you start lookin' around for something good to take the place of the bad, as a general rule you can find it.  ~From the movie Old Yeller

there - that should make up for the days I missed!

Day 9

Craisins make a very poor substitute for Oreos. Today is Sunday - and I took the day of rest! Not that an excuse is what I am about to give you, because it isn't, but I just didn't feel very much like shaking my thang and walking with Leslie. So there - if you hate me now - well, sucks for you. I knew I had to write today, remember my youngest sister threatens me if I don't - so here I sit, eating out of a Sam's size bag of Craisins, trying to convince myself that I do not want a bowl of ice cream, or a few oreos, or a good milkshake, or any other of those things I used to so much enjoy. Wanna here a funny story, no? Oh, well, too bad - I am gonna tell you anyway. The other night I had to make a run to the grocery store for some very nonessential essentials (you know you do it too).  As I was walking through the aisles grabbing celery and milk, I decided that for my son's sake I would get the ingredients to make what we call Frog Pie. It is in fact Key Lime pie, and usually my favorite. But this time I was making it solely for my son, because it is his favorite too! I bought the limeade, the fat free condensed milk, the fat free cool whip, the reduced fat crust and headed home. Feeling slightly smug about the "fat free" dessert I was going to make and then consume 1/2 of , I headed to the check out. 

Now this isn't the point of the story (do I ever have a point to my stories?) but it is a bit interesting, and for your sake I will jump to the funny part: the 22 year old cashier had an eye problem - apparently my chest in that horrid orange sweater you saw me wearing (yes! YES! YeS! that horrid outfit I posted pictures of - that exact one - that one that showed every roll from here to eternity) had some strange pull on his eyes, and instead of offering to help bag my groceries as I scanned them, he found every scrap of paper in my cart and managed to pick at it while singing along to Natasha Bedengfield's Pocket Full of Sunshine. WHAT!?!? I know you didn't just follow that, I barely did as I read it back to myself, so here I go again: The 22 year old cashier stood and stared (while singing) at my breasts for a good 10 minutes! I was shocked. I mean, I was in that orange outfit - I knew what I looked like....did he?

I called up skinniest and shared the story with her, she just laughed and said, "Well you do have nice breasts. Its only going to get worse when you loose all of your weight. You will have that perfect hour glass figure that every woman wants." Almost laughing with hysteria at the thought of myself in a hourglass, I just said, "Thanks." and hung up. 

Nikki, the point, please? 

Oh, that's right, I had a point. Here it is: I made that pie, I did fix myself 1/2 of it to consume in one sitting, (I considered taking a picture to show you), I took one bite, and threw all the rest down the sink. So now, here I sit, eating Craisins like I love them, and thinking about the pie that only weeks ago would have made me so happy, but now only makes me sad. Darn you Skinny Girl - why won't you eat!?!?

It seems to me that once you really commit to something, your mind, your psyche, your spirit, whatever you like to call it, takes over. I am in it now - I can't drink soda, I feel guilty when I don't exercise, and instead of chowing down on Oreos and milk, I choose to eat Craisins. Don't look now, but my skinny girl is starting to have a say, and my fat girl is getting mad!

Ending thought:

The baby rises to its feet, takes a step, is overcome with triumph and joy - and falls flat on its face. It is a pattern for all that is to come! But learn from the bewildered baby. Lurch to your feet again. You'll make the sofa in the end. 
-- Pam Brown

When you are just beginning....

So if you have never worked out you may feel like this when asked to do even the most simplest of things:

Day 8

So I swore that I would work out for 30 minutes every day for the next seven days - and today at least, I did. I am hoping that feeling returns to my thighs by tomorrow morning so that I can continue on with the self torture I insist on inflicting upon myself. Today's exercise regimen (not regiment, apparently, when you add the letter 't' to the end it suddenly references military - which isn't any different than what I do but whatever) consisted of some new challenges. For one, I felt extremely fit this morning , considering that last week I exercised all of 4 days (you know, I am a pro now and all that) so I decided to open up the DVD I got myself for Christmas - the one that contains 5 exercises in 1. Since I committed to 30 minutes, I felt that an 18 minute one mile walk would be insufficient (you know, being 12 minutes short of the required 30 minutes).  So after I walked a mile, and had jelly thighs, meaning there was no use in them whatsoever - completely different from the bowl full of jelly that I use to catch every spill at every meal - I switched over to the "Walk and Kick" - a 30 minute workout that strangely resembles Tae Bo - but without Billy Blanks. Instead I worked out with Leslie Sansone (she is now my new best friend) and her cast of friends. They annoyed me. Why would anyone put on make-up and smile while exercising - has anyone ever thought of that? 

Here comes a tangent - first of all, exercise sucks. How anyone can smile and laugh through the entire process is beyond me, I can't even catch enough breath to yell at my dog to get out of the way! (good thing he understands what my various snaps mean, why can't my children be so obedient??) Second of all - what is with the whole laughing and cheering group of people?? While I have never set foot inside of a gym, I am pretty sure that the groups of people in there aren't laughing and smiling (while wearing make-up!!?!?) they are sweating up a storm and don't care how many muscles the body contains. Thirdly - what is with the music?? I once heard the music I work out to described as "Super Mario Brothers gone Techno" - yea, that pretty much sums it up - if only there was a mushroom that I could bust of a bunch of bricks to get at. And if only said mushroom made me shrink instead of growing taller, but I would still like the super cool fireballs. And if the said mushroom was made of the most delectable chocolate then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't mind being Mario, but my favorite color is green, so I would probably be Luigi! There - tangent done!

The second challenge of today's workout consisted of the materials used in said workout. Apparently, in the new DVD Leslie requests that I use weight balls. I happened to overlook

this fact (which was printed in very tiny print on the back of the DVD) and found myself without said weight balls. My husband, being so kind and observant, handed me two potatoes to use as weights. I would suggest that you never ever use potatoes as weights! While I am sure you can imagine the problems associated with using produce in your workout let me give you one visual: sweaty palms! 

The third challenge of today's workout was the simple fact that I had volunteered to watch my darling niece and simply adorable nephew! No, I mean it, they are darling and adorable. My niece, if you can visualize, is a talker. And I don't mean she likes to chat with you now and then, no, she likes to talk, all the time. I think that if she were to loose her voice for more than a day, her world would end. I mean it. I have never, never, never met a 4 year old with so much to say. In fact, should she continue with this most impressive talent, she would have an amazing career as an auctioneer! My nephew, sweet boy, is 18 months, still takes naps, and sadly, today, he didn't get one. So as I am roaming around my living room working up a sweat, dreaming of mushrooms made of chocolate, having super cool fireball power, dressing myself in green (hat and all) my nephew was stumbling around is that overly tired stupor that is so befitting to all of us when we haven't slept. 

My husband did an amazing job of fielding all 5 children (ages 8, 6, 4, 4, and 18 months) while I worked out. (remember, my dog is the most behaved, so after I snapped at him, he kept his mouth shut and just watched from the couch!) I successfully completed my goal for the day! But lest you think me amazing, let me just say that the "Walk and Kick" 30 minute workout only lasted 14 minutes, just enough to cover my 30 minute commitment. (haha)

Tomorrow is Sunday - my usual day of rest! But alas, I have learned that one day of rest usually turns into 2, which turns into three, which turns into a year, which turns into 5, which turned into 10! So, until I am sure that I can take a rest without jeopardizing the goal to free my skinny girl, I will workout tomorrow too!  8 days down, 357 to go! (thank god this year isn't a leap year!)

Ending thought: There is no Challenge more challenging than the challenge to improve yourself ~ Michael F. Staley

Days 6 and 7

I am such a slacker, but for anyone who knows me, that isn't a surprise! I will come up with a million and one reasons not to do something, or at least postpone the inevitable. And that is precisely what happened the past two days! As silly as this sounds I hate coming on here and admitting that I did absolutely nothing to burn calories - or free my skinny girl. So I didn't write yesterday. But I got a sound lashing from the skinny of the three skinnies (I did mention that the three skinnies are my three younger sisters; skinniest, skinnier, and skinny? No - oh well some other time I will tell you about them). Apparently she is following my "story" and was quite upset about no post yesterday. I figured the least I could do would be to say I did something, and then prove it. So what I did do was take pictures of my fat girl cage: Now before I put these up may I just put a pre-warning out there. These pictures are not for the faint of heart, and could cause a serious dislike for all things fattening:

Here they are:


No I mean it, they are here:


No, For real I swear I posted them:


Okay, Let me go get the camera:

Okay, Let me get the cord and hook up the camera:


Oh Goodness, here it goes:

Psych

Ay yay yay

"Baby Got Back"

Baby also got side

Doesn't my face say it all?

Well, I guess we all have to start somewhere! Wanna know what the sad thing is about all of this. I actually got dressed up for these pictures, and then let my husband take them, and then I looked at them, and then, (wait for it..........................................) I went out in public wearing this exact outfit! Sad I know - but hey, this is what you get when your skinny girl is trapped inside a fat cage. I will say this, I am just glad that my fat cage doesn't look like the ballerina who is gracing the top of this page. 

Okay - with all of this being posted I feel completely humiliated and ready to end this post. But before I do let me put my goals out there, for as we all know, if you don't write down your goal you won't make it happen!

For this next week, for the next seven days, I will commit to 30 minutes of exercise every day!

hold me to it people!

Ending thought:

The reason most goals are not achieved is that we spend our time doing second things first. - Robert J. McKain