Day 13

What happened to days 10-12? Honestly I couldn't tell you. This week has been a yucky week. I don't know if it is the weather, my mood, my thyroid, or my obvious disdain for exercise - but mostly I have been staring at the back of my eyelids. Don't you worry - while the guilt of not writing hasn't been enough to drive me crazy - my husband's constant reminders that I haven't seen Leslie or spoken to you have not gone unnoticed - and of course, the little note of encouragement from my dad. 

Can I just say that while I wasn't writing to you, whoever you are, I was thinking about you constantly and I was thinking about all the funny things I would say to you when I got back. Things like: My fat girl took over this week, or, Skinny girl was exhausted, or there wasn't enough ice cream to motivate me, or, it was raining, or my toilets are too dirty, or, all my workout clothes are dirty and I refuse to exercise naked! But of course, by the time I got on here, the humor was gone and a bit of a serious tone set in. So may I, just indulge myself for a minute and share a few thoughts I have had, as I have laid on my couch for the past three days, sleeping and dreaming of the good old days, when I didn't worry about weight, and a Diet Coke seemed to be a more than sufficient lunch!

In the end, does it matter? Does it really honestly matter in the end? Sure, we all want to look perfect, but is the outside all that we should care about? No you say - no I say (see day 1) but it does make a difference.  And yet - this week it hasn't mattered. You see, the people I love dearly, the people I love most in the world, the women that I surrounded myself with growing up, the girls I shared secret giggles with, the ones that I share my most treasured memories with, well, they don't love one another any more. Somehow, the world, for lack of a better word, has seeped into the cracks of each relationship and let its poison sink in. Since moving into my new apartment in Nov I have refused to order cable (mainly b/c it is a bill I can't afford, but stay with me on this) and I have actually grown to like it. I don't have to pay to here how bad it is out there. I can sit in my home, laugh and giggle with my kids and husband, play games and bake cookies and hang out in complete and utter bliss. Until, I decide to lift my head and take a look around. I see the three women I love, hurting. For whatever reason (and I do know the situation, I am not completely oblivious) things went wrong. And now, although I am not directly involved, I hurt too. 

Why do I say all this? B/c maybe, just maybe, it is the secret reason, the real reason, I haven't been working on me. B/c maybe right now, skinny girl has to take a back seat, and let fat girl, the Nikki now, the one who exists in the fat cage too, be a sister. 

I love my sisters. They are my family; and while we can all sit and think about how we would love to improve ourselves and make ourselves happy - I find that to be utterly impossible unless the people we love are happy. Say what you want about not needing others to be happy, but it seems to me that a lot of people in the world are unhappy - if you think I am wrong, just take a few minutes and sit in your car the next time you are at the grocery store. Just take a few minutes to look at the faces of the people walking by - how many have an air of happiness around them? How many of them look beat up, down trodden, tired, worn out, pissed off, sad, lonely, frustrated? What do you look like? 

This week I haven't been happy - maybe b/c I feel the pain of my sisters. Or maybe it is just a thyroid problem or the lack of ice cream in the freezer to motivate me. Whatever the case may be, I hope to overcome the last couple of days. Not overcome them in such a way that  I can tune out the problems around me, no. Overcome them in such a way that I can find a way to take care of my sisters and my skinny girl. Even if ice cream is involved, especially if ice cream is involved. 

May I just tell skinniest: I love you. I look up to you. I want nothing in the world than for you to be happy. It hurts me to see you sit on my couch and cry. Can I just hug you and make it all better? Are the days of a popsicle solving all our problems so far gone?

May I tell skinnier: I miss you. It has been way too long since I saw you last. It makes me sad that you are sad. Christmas wasn't the same. Daily conversations aren't the same. I hope you are happy - I hope that you know I miss you and love you. 

May I tell skinny: Sometimes life sucks. But there is always tomorrow. Sometimes the best cure is a good nights rest. And if sleep can't or won't come: Then look out the window - think of all the millions and billions and trillions of stars that are floating around in the sky and think about little old you. Think about how tiny you are in comparison, and then think of your Father in Heaven, who can pick you out amongst all there is. He knows you, he also knows skinniest and skinnier, and he even knows fat girl. Look around and see that He knows each and everyone, and He knows - He knows. 

Please do not take this entry as an "I'm giving up until my family life is fixed." God knows, if that were the case skinny girl wouldn't be freed until I died, and only then is a wish (love you fam) but it was part of the reason Days 10-12 weren't up. Don't you worry, I just got off the phone with Leslie, she is expecting me in the morning and she says if I don't show up she is gonna call Jillian from Biggest Loser - and I just don't think I can handle her right now! 

Ending thought: If you're going through hell, keep going.  ~Winston Churchill

and b/c today's thoughts deserve another:

That was rough.... Thing to do now is try and forget it.... I guess I don't quite mean that.  It's not a thing you can forget.  Maybe not even a thing you want to forget.... Life's like that sometimes... Now and then for no good reason a man can figure out, life will just haul off and knock him flat, slam him agin' the ground so hard it seems like all his insides is busted.  But it's not all like that.  A lot of it's mighty fine, and you can't afford to waste the good part frettin' about the bad.  That makes it all bad.... Sure, I know - sayin' it's one thing and feelin' it's another.  But I'll tell you a trick that's sometimes a big help.  When you start lookin' around for something good to take the place of the bad, as a general rule you can find it.  ~From the movie Old Yeller

there - that should make up for the days I missed!