Day 2wenty Something

I wonder if it should be Day 30 yet? I guess I could take the time to count back to the day this all started and be smart, but I'm just not feeling it at 12:02 AM, which happens to be the only time I found to write today. It seems that whenever I face some kind of personal crisis in my life I always avoid writing in this blog. I think I do this for several reasons:

Reason 1: During a personal crisis I don't work out and so the guilt is strangely overwhelming.

Reason 2: During a personal crisis I am in crisis mode - hence, writing becomes completely and utterly unimportant.

Reason 3: During a personal crisis I only want to gripe/ moan/ complain/ be mad about/ my personal crisis which means that it becomes my only blogging fodder and who wants to read about that?

That being said I have been facing a personal crisis over the past couple of days (no one is dead so it isn't that extreme) but it did/does involve the Federal Government and as such has had me preoccupied. Yes, you can take a moment to read that sentence again....Yep, I said Federal Government. What would you do if I told you I was writing this from prison? Oh my, the giggle that just escaped me felt incredibly delicious, what I would pay to see each and every face just now....no, I am not writing from prison, just my bedroom in my tiny little three bedroom apartment which can sometimes feel like a prison (but that is for another day). Of course, now that I have mentioned the words "federal and government" and the words "personal and crisis" in the same sentence I best explain myself....and yet, I won't. I am okay, and I will be okay, and if you are that deeply concerned, just message me or something. (or continue reading)

No, what I want to write about seems to fall among some heavier themes. Of course, the thoughts that have led to this particular post did stem from my personal crisis (isn't that where all good reflective thoughts stem from?) but whatever the case, I think I will post them out there. You know, for all those,who, well, just for all those.

I wonder, would I appreciate life more if I wasn't so pissed off at it all the time? Would I be okay with things if they weren't always falling apart? Would I hate God so much if I didn't understand His purpose? And how can I appreciate life when it does piss me off? And how can I be okay with things when they are falling apart? And how can I come to love God even when I don't understand his purpose? 

You see, I have had a truly terrible experience, followed by a really great experience, followed by another truly terrible experience, followed by a sweet experience, and they all seem to be interrelated somehow, and I know that somewhere in the midst of all this mess of a life I have accumulated there is a purpose, a reason, a lesson if you will - but for the life all that is good and delicious I just can't seem to come to grips with it all and settle things. May I explain? (Are you saying, yes crazy woman, please do?)

In a nutshell here it is, the last 6 months or so of my life:

Well, it all makes sense if I give a little background so here goes:

Girl graduates HS. Girl goes to college. Girl wants to get married. (?!?!?!?) Girl tries desperately to date but finds no success. Girl meets guy. Girl knows guy for 2 weeks and girl and guy get engaged. Girl and guy are stupid and girl fails out of college. Girl's parents find out and whisk girl away. Girl gets married anyway. Girl and guy have baby. Girl and guy have another baby. Girl and guy have a third baby. Girl and guy fall into hate with each other. Girl and guy treat marriage like crap. Girl and guy say "I quit." Girl says, "I mean, I don't quit." Girl says, "I will make it! I will survive! I will go to school?" Girl goes to school for 2 1/2 years. Girl and guy are still on pretty rocky terms. Girl refuses to drop out of school. One day, girl wakes up and sees that her 3 children are not happy. Girl gets mad at guy. Girl and guy fight, a lot, loudly, and girl says, "I really quit." - that was a summary of the past 10 years....

I called it quits with my husband in September. After 9 years of marriage, 3 kids, and 2 1/2 years of school I up and say, "I quit. I quit it all," except my babies, them I would never call it quits on. I called and withdrew from school on September 30 and moved back to Atlanta with my 3 babies - no degree, no job, no nothing - just me and my three babies. (and my fat girl) After 6 weeks I decided that my marriage wasn't over and my husband left behind both jobs and came to be with us. He got here in November. I decided to look into re-enrolling in an online degree program to finish what I started, but the school didn't offer my program of study so I was SOL. That my friends is the truly terrible experience and the really great experience all in one. Lost my degree - saved my marriage. 

But because my life is a constant up- down- turn around- pat your head while rubbing your belly-and while you are at it hop on one foot- kind of an experience that was not all. It seems that at the turn of the year I was able to reapply and begin the process of finishing my degree only to receive a phone call a few days ago that it might not be possible. (this is where the fed gov't comes in - student loans and some seriously undertrained representatives misguided me in the steps I should take and b/c I followed the advice, I am now, to put it quite bluntly: screwed.)

So 2 nights ago, had you had a secret camera you would have seen me sitting on the floor, surrounded by a million pieces of paper, tears running down my cheeks and my eyes staring blankly into a future that is just as blank. At the beginning of this week, had you asked how things were going I would have said, "Well, things are rough. But we have a plan, a solid plan, and we feel pretty good about the direction we are headed in. So, I have faith that things will work out and I know that God will take care of us - He always has."

Ask me now - go ahead, I dare you....."How are things going you ask? Well, a few days ago I had a plan, a solid plan and I feel pretty good about the direction I was headed in. I had faith that all was going to work out and I knew that God would take care of me - He always did. But today - I don' t know. To be quite honest, I am pissed. Ticked. I hate the world. I hate waking up. And there is nothing in the world right now that annoys me more than Leslie's incessant giggling as she walks. I have eaten more Sour Patch Kids, Swiss Cake Rolls, and Little Debbies Valentines Cake snacks in the past 3 days than I have in the past month! I don't care about skinny girl, in fact, I told her to shut up and leave me alone for a while. I don't care if she is trapped, she has been trapped since I was about 7 months pregnant with Katie and she has dealt with it this long, so she can deal with it a little longer. (Katie is almost 9) I don't understand God - what did I do to make him hate me? And why do I always think that God is the reason my life sucks? Is it because He is easy to blame?"

It is because He is easy to blame. And it is proven history that when we become haughty God will find a way to humble us. He will knock the wind right out of us, He will trip us at the finish line. Or at least, that has always been the case with me. And yet, through it all - He still finds a way to tell me He loves me - which frankly makes me want to hate Him. You know what I mean - it is the whole parent child thing....child wants, parent denys, child hates parent but really hates that parent was right.

Today I received a tender mercy from the Lord. An old friend, someone I have known since from forever, sent me a message. She shared with me a memory she had that involved me. (and she was right, had she told me at the time I might not have appreciated it as much) But as I read through that sweet message I realized that someone up there does love me. I took a step back and looked at the big picture. If I never finish my degree, does it matter? If I never free my skinny girl, does it matter? If I never buy a house b/c of the wrong advice I got, does it matter? If I never do more with my life than wash clothes, clean dishes, cook meals, and scrub toilets, does it matter? No - none of it truly matters. None of it truly matters so long as I can hug my children every day, make them smile, let them know they are the world to me, kiss my husband, spend time with my Father in Heaven, and build an eternal relationship with the ones who matter. 

I gave a lesson a few weeks ago and the truth of it is only now starting to resonate within my own soul. I am special, I am worth something, I am a daughter of God. If religion just "isn't your thing" if you feel like church is "just a waste of time" "not for you" or "full of hypocrites" then so be it. For me, church is more than the people, or the time. I know that God lives. Do I have a perfect knowledge of all that He wants me to know? No. Do I have a perfect knowledge that I am His daughter? Yes.

And so - if it be His will to test me in the way He chooses, so be it. The old adage states, "God never shuts a door without opening a window." Well, there are a lot of doors shutting for me - but I know that in a little while, the sun will come streaming in and the window will be there. 

And because I feel like she should know: Mom, I love you. 

"A crisis allows us the opportunity to dig deep into the reservoirs of our very being, to rise to levels of confidence, strength, and resolve that otherwise we didn't think we possessed. Through adversity, we come face to face with who we really are and what really counts."
-- Jon Huntsman, self-made American billionaire, author of Winners Never Cheat